It’s no fun dining out with someone who’s always got a complaint about his food. Illustration by iStock
By Beth Harpaz
April 22, 2025
Dear Bintel,
I’m reaching out on behalf of a friend. She married a man who belongs to a synagogue in an affluent suburb. Going to shul there, they got to know another couple and started dining out together. On three occasions in a row, the other husband found something wrong with his meal and sent it back to the restaurant kitchen.
Then my friend threw a surprise birthday party for her husband and invited 75 guests, including the other couple. It was a lovely sit-down dinner at a local restaurant with a choice of entrees. Well, you can probably guess what happened. The guy made a scene and sent his food back.
The proprietor of the restaurant took my friend aside and said they’d had problems with this person in the past and that he was no longer welcome there. Turns out he’s been banned by other restaurants, too.
My friend is in an awkward position because whenever the other couple sees them in shul, they propose a get-together. She’s put them off by saying she and her husband are busy. But now the other couple found out she and her husband had dinner with a third couple, and they got insulted, saying something like, “You’re too busy for us, but not for them?”
I told my friend Bintel could help. So what do you say?
Signed,
Intermediary
Dear Intermediary,
Thanks for the vote of confidence in Bintel. If your friend could use a laugh, I recommend the Seinfeld episode where Jerry’s trying to end his friendship with a guy he’s known since childhood. Turns out it’s harder than ending a romance.
Jerry tries telling him the truth, but his old friend starts crying. Then Jerry makes a list of excuses to avoid seeing him: He says he’s tutoring his nephew in geometry, and Elaine says they have choir practice. But the guy is so persistent about scheduling an outing to a basketball game weeks in advance that Jerry appears to give in, realizing that no matter what he does, he can’t get rid of him.
Your friend doesn’t have to give up, though. Here are some options.
First, take the path of least resistance: Avoid the other couple in shul and if directly approached, just keep making excuses. Be brief, vague and disinterested; the less detail, the better: “Sorry, we’re busy,” is all that’s required. Say it every week for as long as it takes, and if the invites come by email, phone or text, don’t respond. Eventually, the other couple will stop asking. Radio silence: It works!
It’s hard to believe the other guy is such a boor that he’d actually have the nerve to ask why your friends have time for others but not for him. But I guess it’s the same perverse mentality that spurs him to make a scene in every restaurant. He just wants to assert his power and make other people feel small. Tell your friend not to give in. If the guy questions your friend’s assertion that she’s busy, all she needs to do is shrug and turn away. No elaboration is necessary.
Alternatively your friend could tell the truth, straightforwardly and without rancor. This requires emphasizing how she feels, without judging him, accusing him, or characterizing his behavior. Frame the responses with “I” statements, like this: “I feel uncomfortable when we’ve gone to restaurants together. I can’t enjoy my meal when you send your food back, so I’m no longer willing to eat out with you.”
He may well respond by denying that he did anything wrong, challenging her interpretation of events, or telling her she has no right to judge him. That’s all classic gaslighting, in which the aggressor keeps the upper hand by invalidating the other person’s observations. Your friend should shut down any such counterattack by saying, “I told you the truth rather than making excuses about not getting together. That’s how I feel, and I’ve nothing more to say.” Then walk away. It’s going to cause hard feelings, but does she really care if these people still like her?
Your friend’s husband should be part of this. Why should women be tasked with smoothing over social dilemmas and organizing the family calendar? Since it’s the husband’s shul, presumably he’s known the man longer than she has. Maybe if he gives the guy the brush-off, it’ll be more effective.
By the way, I’m assuming your friend is uninterested in socializing with this couple outside of restaurants. But if for some reason they enjoy the other couple’s company, but just can’t stand the obnoxious restaurant scenes, they should find other ways to socialize. It’s a great time of year to do fun things outdoors: Play pickleball, go for a bike ride, take a walk in a park or get tickets for a baseball game — just be ready to ignore his inevitable complaints about the hot dogs.
Signed,
Bintel
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