When I was nineteen, I went to Israel to spend the summer at a job which had been organised by the student society at my university. Upon arrival in Tel Aviv it turned out that the job no longer existed.
This being the early 80s, before the internet and when phone calls were prohibitively expensive, I sent my parents a Telex from a hotel to tell them what had happened. I went to the kibbutz representatives office and offered to volunteer. They sorted me out with an invitation to volunteer at Kibbutz Degania near Tiberias. I sent my parents another Telex to tell them this. This second Telex never arrived.
Off I went by Egged bus to Degania for a glorious summer planting banana trees and clearing chicken houses, with plenty of time to enjoy swimming in the Kinneret and the glories of kibbutz life. Meanwhile my parents were frantic. Was I still alive? What had happened? Three weeks into my time at Degania, I was called out in the dining room and asked to come to the phone. Through a postcard that I had sent to a friend my parents had tracked me down and we shared a beautiful if somewhat fraught conversation. From that moment on I understood the fifth commandment – honour your father and mother.
Being out of communication is a deep negation of another person. It is quite the opposite of honouring. By being in communication, we say that another person matters, even if that communication is difficult or challenging. I have learned over my years in the rabbinate that it is always the right thing to make that call, even if it is very tough to make. By hearing from each other we acknowledge each other’s existence and value. Rabbi Alan Mann teaches that the Torah, several times, tells us to “Hear, O Israel”. In order to hear we must be in communication.
Would actor Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa have died so tragically if a few people had called them over the weeks before their deaths? The sound of your voice, the recognition of your handwriting, the ring on the doorbell really make a difference and are the first step towards fulfilling Shammai’s dictum in Pirke Avot 1:15: “Greet everyone with a cheerful face.”
Rabbi Mark Goldsmith is at Edgware and Hendon Reform Synagogue
