Feeling alone isn’t easy. I say “feeling” alone because some people are at their most lonely among others, while others are physically on their own.
This time of year can often be challenging, not because most of us are in the throes of elaborate Christmas celebrations but because wherever you look there are depictions of happy families sitting down to cosy, festive meals. These images and the chatter about how to cater for the once-a-year feast leave many of us bewildered and smug, thinking it’s nothing more than a guntza Friday night dinner, something we might rustle up weekly for twice as many hungry, tired relatives than the average household hosts on 25 December.
Yet for many this period is an interminably long bank holiday, and the loneliness and isolation can feel unbearable. The dark, cold days might be peaceful and relaxing for some, but for those who are not choosing to be alone it can feel physically painful. Many people manage to control their propensity towards depression or anxiety by routine and structures, so take that away and this is often the time they struggle most. So, what can we do?
Don’t make assumptions – don’t assume everyone else has scheduled fun woven into every day with relatives they adore being with. It isn’t how the world is nor how families are. Not only are many families spread around the globe but if we scratch beneath the surface, not all families are happy ones – far from it. So don’t be afraid to ask people if you can join their family gatherings – you might even be doing them a favour.
Judaism is 365 days a year – it doesn’t stop for bank holidays and the beautiful timing of Chanukah this year means there is no time off for the Jewish professional. Find candle lightings near you, get to JW3’s panto or Limmud. Throw yourself into your Judaism – attend Shabbat services and daily minyanim in person or online to feel a sense of community around you. Even if you are on your own, light your Chanukah candles and use the light to bring joy and connection into your life. If it feels strange to sing the blessings alone find a candle lighting online to join along with. Use those lights to think about what brings the light and joy into your darkness and connect yourself with generations past and those yet to come.
Think about what you need to make this time easier. Find reasons to make yourself go outdoors. Consider a voluntary role with JVN to give yourself a sense of purpose; reach out to someone you have been meaning to reconnect with?
In Pirkei Avot Rabbi Hillel says: “Do not separate yourself from the community.” He knew that the community needs us as much as we need the community. Be the light in someone else’s darkness this Chanukah – while turning up might be exactly what you need, it’s most likely what they need from you too.
