Picture the scene: a nervous thirteen year old boy is given a gentle push onto a bimah. He chants Hebrew words that may or may not be meaningful to him. Upon completion, the entire room shouts “mazal tov!” or “sh’koyach”. His hand is shaken by everyone in reach. He is clapped on the shoulder, addressed by the Rabbi and maybe lifted on a chair later at a party. From that moment on, he is accepted as part of the community.
It’s a scene many of us are familiar with, and I have a theory that it is the source of Jewish boys and men feeling a sense of entitlement (which, to my mind, is usually a good thing, but can sometimes become unhealthy).
I long for a portion of this sense of entitlement – the good kind – for Jewish girls. Instead, something along the way – at least in the Orthodox worlds that I inhabit – teaches girls to be the opposite of entitled. They tend to put themselves forward, speak up, and believe in themselves far less than their male counterparts.
They also feel less welcome in shul, congregating in toilets or hallways, or worse – not coming at all. Their Hebrew skills are less highly challenged, and without regular use, they inevitably diminish.
As a newly qualified Rabbi, and a bat mitzvah teacher of over 10 years (approaching my 100th bat mitzvah student) I am curious about how we can give our girls the best chance of feeling that sense of ownership, belonging and entitlement in the Jewish world and beyond.
I’m delighted to have launched a new bat mitzvah programme with JOFA (the Jewish Orthodox Feminist Alliance) UK, piloting in Borehamwood at the moment, and at JW3 from Autumn 2025. The course covers Jewish learning and skills, and generates ideas for planning a bat mitzvah that is truly meaningful for each girl.
Ideally, I think all boys and girls should be given the option of leining (chanting from the Torah). Partnership Minyanim like Kehillat Nashira in Borehamwood or Kol Rina in Golders Green allow for this to happen in an orthodox context, and progressive shuls have been leading the way for girls to have this opportunity too, for decades.
Rabbi Miriam Lorie
For anyone leining from the Torah – boy or girl – it’s crucial that they have a sense of what they are reading. The full translation, however complex the content. Even better if it becomes an exercise in the young person learning to translate and understand Hebrew.
At the same time, I question whether the “maf & haf” (maftir & haftara) model of leining is right for all young people. Some young people will relish public Hebrew reading, while for others it will be an ordeal. Some will never use their skills again, and for some it will be devoid of joy and meaning.
So both girls and boys should also have alternative options. Leining shouldn’t be a “one size fits all”. After all, there’s no such thing as being “bar mitzvahed”. Instead you become bar or bat mitzvah. It’s simply the age at which you take responsibility for your own mitzvot. And the options for which mitzvah to take on first, and celebrate with, are endless.
One student, whose father is an architect, designed and built his own Sukkah for his bar mitzvah which fell during Sukkot, and slept out in it on a chilly October night, raising money for a homelessness charity.
Another, a budding singer songwriter, wrote her own song inspired by her parasha. Meanwhile, other students love the opportunity of leining from the Torah, and return year after year to read “their” portion.
As Mishlei (Proverbs) 22:6 says, “Teach a child according to their way”. There has never been a better time to be creative about both bar and bat mitzvah ceremonies. Done well, they will give a young person a sense of belonging, ownership and entitlement – the good kind.
- Miriam Lorie is a Jewish educator and Rabbi
