This is Mental Health Awareness Month. It marks three years of my anorexia recovery and two years free of self-harm.
COVID began when I was 16. At the same time, I was being bullied by someone who made me want to disappear. When we went into lockdown I felt I had no control over my life. The only thing I could control was my diet.
I already knew how to count calories – I’d been doing so since I was 14 –but my overwhelming need for control led me to lower the numbers and tighten the restrictions. Summer 2020 was supposed to be when I went on Israel tour, something I had looked forward to more than anything. COVID stole that from me.
When I started sixth form, I was already quite unwell. I had nothing to look forward to, which only worsened the restriction and, as a result, the eating disorder.
In February 2021, I was admitted to the Camhs Eating Disorder Team‘s intensive service. Although I wasn’t even allowed to attend school and spent most days staring at a hospital wall, I still couldn’t see what I was doing to myself.
3 August 2021 was the day I truly realised how ill I was. It wasn’t the tube through by nose and down the throat or the possibility of never going back to school. It was watching my brother leave for summer camp. I’d been going to camp every summer since I was 11 and I loved it more than anything. The sense of community I felt there was unmatched. Being unable to take part in something I adored so much opened my eyes to how much this illness was taking from me.
Fast forward a year. I put everything into my recovery. I ate the pasta and worked through the discomfort. And I found my joy. I celebrated my first year of attempted recovery on camp with my friends – my Jewish community.
Eating disorders are, sadly, very common within our community, but there is support available. Charities like Jami and Camp Simcha were a massive help to my family when I was unwell. They do such incredible work
When I reflect on how my journey links to my Jewish identity, there’s a lot to unravel.
I’ve never fully understood the depth of my love for camp – the sheer joy I feel when surrounded by a Jewish community, whether on Noam or, more recently, through the UJS Leadership Fellowship. That need to return to my Jewish bubble was what first motivated me to recover.
I’ve now been in recovery from anorexia for two years, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I had it. Balancing my Judaism with my mental health is something I’m still learning. Restrictive festivals like Yom Kippur and Pesach will always be difficult. Mentally, I struggle with not having my “safe” foods during the week of Pesach, but spiritually I remind myself that restriction is not the goal.
A quote that has always resonated is, “We live by the laws; we don’t die by them.” I live for my Jewish the community I’ve grown up in. Community is important for everyone, but especially for someone battling mental illness.
I never hid the fact that I was ill. Part of me felt the need to prove that I was “sick enough.” That I could be slim. That I could have scars. As disordered as that thinking was, it led me to build another strong community – like my Jewish one – of people who shared similar struggles.
Eating disorders are, sadly, very common within our community, but there is support available. Charities like Jami and Camp Simcha were a massive help to my family when I was unwell. They do such incredible work.
Today, my life is eating disorder-free. I truly have my community to thank for that. It’s a lifestyle I’ll always cherish.
• Parents can access help and advice for children struggling with an eating disorder HERE
